Reuniting Divas, 'Cock Socks' &Trouble in the House of Weir
Billy Masters

Reuniting Divas, ‘Cock Socks’ &Trouble in the House of Weir

SKATING AROUND THE ISSUE There’s some troublesome news coming out from Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation. I like Gaga and think her heart is in the right place, but what about those around her? This foundation (run by her mom) spent over $1.5 million on legal fees, publicity and internet consultants. That’s not an […]
Becks Isn't Bashful, Liza's Big Bet, & Aaron's Sense of Style,
Billy Masters

Becks Isn’t Bashful, Liza’s Big Bet, & Aaron’s Sense of Style,

“And, honey, if you don’t win the Academy Award, I’m giving you mine!”—Liza Minnelli makes an offer to Matthew McConaughey at a New York luncheon toasting Dallas Buyers Club. If the Golden Globes are any indication, Liza’s Oscar is safe. First, a public service announcement. A group of scientists have discovered that semen can cure […]
2013 Round Up, JT Loses His Cool, Dylan Bares All
Billy Masters

2013 Round Up, JT Loses His Cool, Dylan Bares All

“The movie didn’t do well at the box office, so I should quit? Hold on a second. If I was somebody else, you wouldn’t have said that. I have the number one album this week, and I shouldn’t have released it? Come on, man. You sound like a dickhead.” —Justin Timberlake responds to criticism regarding […]
Sharon & Arsenio Talk the 'T,' Jack Knows Science, Alec Does It Again
Billy Masters

Sharon & Arsenio Talk the ‘T,’ Jack Knows Science, Alec Does It Again

“Don’t you know lots of people like that? I do. I’ve seen those little girlie boys from Thailand—they’re quite fabulous.” —Sharon Osbourne tells Arsenio Hall about her experiences with people having both male and female genitalia. I, Billy Masters, being of relatively sound mind and having body fat in the mid-teens, declare this my last […]
Papal Indulgences and Other Welcome News
Billy Masters

Papal Indulgences and Other Welcome News

“Your homosexuality—it doesn’t matter. We are all children of God. One way or another.” —Pope Francis allegedly called a young man in France who wrote to the Pontiff, very concerned that he’d burn in hell because he’s gay. Look, I’m willing to believe that the Pope is calling people who write him letters. I’m even […]
Anniversary Column
Billy Masters

Anniversary Column

“Billy shows much enthusiasm but is lacking in some areas of writing skill. He completes his written assignments very quickly and should be encouraged to take more time to strive for neatness and better penmanship.” —The assessment from my 10th grade Honors English teacher. True to form, throughout the 18 years of writing this column, […]

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